"Ms. Johnson, that's as far as you can go. We will take her from here!" I think the sweet woman saw the look of fear on my face because everyone stopped and looked at me and were completely silent. After a few minutes and several confused looks the woman finally says, "She will be absolutely fine! I promise! You can leave her now! She is in good hands!" Um . . . OK! But no, you see because now she is in your hands. She's no longer in my hands. I can't just walk away. She is only 18 years old! She's not ready! I can't just let her go! I. MUST. HOLD. ONTO. HER! "Ms. Johnson, it's time for you to leave now! She will be fine!" So with that we give a quick hug in front of everyone in the security booth and I leave her.
I. LET. HER. GO. Into their hands!
I slowly walk out and look back what felt like a 100 times. Walk a few steps . . . look back, walk a few steps . . . look back, and so on and so on. I get in the car and can still see her in the security booth holding onto all her belongs with complete strangers. I want to stop the car and grab her and say, "sorry ladies but we have changed our mind. You see, I can't just LEAVE HER IN YOUR HANDS!"
But I do! And I drive away!
I turn onto the highway and I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder and a quick reminder from the Lord! "She was never in your hands! She has ALWAYS been in MY HANDS!" And then the tears start with emotional songs playing in the background on KLOVE (which is NOT helping)! And the panic sets in! OH LORD, was it ENOUGH?
WERE WE ENOUGH?
I reminded the Lord that she was with us for 495 days (as if HE didn't know)! WAS IT ENOUGH?
Did she see YOU in us? Did she see a mom and a dad who loved each other but more importantly who loved THE LORD! Did she see YOU when she was hurting? Did she see YOU when she was upset? Did she see YOU when she made mistakes? Did she see YOU when we made mistakes? Did she see YOU when she made bad choices? Did we LOVE her through these bad choices? Oh LORD, did she see the real YOU in our home? In that moment I became overwhelmed with DID WE LOVE HER ENOUGH? Did we teach her enough? Did she see YOU in everything? Our days are up and my prayer is that we were ENOUGH and I'm overwhelmed with the thought that maybe we messed up a long the way. That we were NOT ENOUGH! We let her go too soon! We need more time. But then I stop and the Lord quickly reminds me of promises from HIS word:
You see . . . we were NEVER ENOUGH! And we will NEVER BE ENOUGH! Only JESUS can! HE is the only ONE that is ever ENOUGH! HE is the only one that brings salvation. HE is the only one who can direct their paths. HE is the only one they can turn to when man lets them down! HE is the only one who IS ALL sufficient and NEVER changing! HE alone is the ONLY ONE who can draw them to HIMSELF! And there is freedom in that! Freedom in knowing that the LORD allowed her here with us for a short time! A time to teach her about who HE IS! Oh my prayer today is that she did SEE JESUS! My prayer for her is that the LORD is real in her life! That she would never ride on the coat tales of "our" salvation, "my" salvation but her own salvation. Salvation that comes from her own brokenness and her own repentance! Because in our own strength we can do NOTHING for her!
So today . . . we are letting her go! Letting her move out from under the blanket of protection from our home where we can no longer guard her or shield her! She moves to a place where she will be forced to depend on NOTHING but HIM! NOTHING BUT JESUS! And I know and that trust that HE ALONE WILL CARRY HER!
After 30 minutes in the car alone and in complete silence (because the radio is just too much!) I hear my phone beep with a text! I glance down and there is it! Three simple words from her that say, "I love you!"
And with that I let out a deep breath and I say softly, "I LOVE YOU TOO!" . . . I let her go!
"I love you too sweet girl! When the world lets you down! When you feel alone, HOLD ONTO JESUS! HOLD ONTO HIM! HE is the ONLY ONE WHO WILL CARRY YOU!"
"I will Ms. Lauren! I promise I WILL!"
Have you ever found your life in a crossroads or in our case the end of a bridge with no road on the other side and you have no idea where you were headed? Well, that kind of explains our life over the past few months when my husbands time in ministry suddenly came to an end. Honestly it was something we knew was coming. We just didn't want to say it, didn't want to admit it . . . but we knew. My husband and I had been in a struggle of transition for over a year somehow trying to avoid the calling of God for us to make a change. We continued to the point that God just stepped in and said, "OK Johnson's, it's time for you to move on!" At that point we had no choice but to take that leap of faith knowing that God was calling our time of ministry there to an end. When the decision came to us we didn't even hesitate. We gave our answer almost immediately knowing in our hearts that it was the decision God was insisting that we make! It was like God vividly said to us, "this is it . . . it's time!" We did not even have a plan, there was no back up . . . NOTHING . . . but two children, three foster children (at that time) and a mortgage and many, many other bills. It's that point in your life where you sit awake ALL night together as husband and wife through tears on your knees in prayer saying, "OK, God if this is it then what? How will we EVER make it?" You see, we KNEW in our hearts what had to be done but man, it was a very scary, emotional night for us. I don't think I'll ever forget in my lifetime that night clinging to my husband in utter disbelief that we were just going to be completely obedient and trust HIM completely. You see, never in our marriage had we ever had to COMPLETELY trust HIM! Sure, we've had some rough times and challenges but this was a time when we had to commit that without HIM we could not make it. Without HIM coming through we would not survive. It was in that moment that it became crystal clear to me. Like suddenly knowing that God placed it on my heart. And it was that this world . . .well, MY WORLD, was accumulated with STUFF! Material possessions were what was keeping me from wanting to walk away with reckless abandon. I knew what was at risk here! My home! My house! Lord, you know what I make a year working as a Counselor at a public school. You want us to survive on that? Really! Because you (God) and I both know that it will never ever work! NEVER! Ironically my husband and I made about the same thing so it was like cutting our combined income completely in half. And on paper, it was just not adding up. But none of this mattered. All that mattered at that point was that the fight with God was over, we were waving our white flag and saying, "YES LORD! OK, we get it! Our time here is ending!" So we agreed! Completely TRUSTING! Completely KNOWING this was the will of the Lord in our life. And just like that it was OVER! GONE! DONE! NO turning back! Because we knew our obedience to the Lord was ALL that mattered at that time. I didn't even care if we did loose everything. I just wanted my husband, my kids, (and maybe the cat and dog depending on the day) and JESUS! MY LORD! MY GOD! At that point honestly, all that mattered was our obedience and our relationship with the LORD and our relationship as husband and wife. It was crazy that we were completely both on the same page. There was not even an argument about it. I'll never forget standing in the kitchen as my husband shared with me the news and I just looked at him through tears and said, "this is it isn't it? It's time!" and together with the Lord, we walked away. I would never want anyone to think that it was just that easy because there was so much involved. So much grief. Pain! So much that we loved. So many people that meant so much to us but when you know it's God's calling you just know that you have to be obedient. At that moment, our obedience to the Lord was all that mattered!
But then there was the SILENCE from many! That was the hardest part. The unexpected part. The most hurtful part. No words from some. People we loved! People we had served alongside for many years (some even for 10 years)! But even in that, the Lord has reassured us time-after-time that HE and only HE knows the hearts and thoughts of man! ONLY HE has to understand the decision that we made for our family! We know HE ordained it and HE alone is the only one we will answer to. And with that, I just have to let HIM handle the hurt and all the misunderstandings because only HE can. Today I am thankful through God's infinite grace and because HE loves us, that HE immediately brought others along side of us from all areas of ministry to love on us and walk with us! We are thankful for close friends and family who have loved us through this as well! I am forever thankful for these that the Lord sent!
So . . . where do we go from here? We run into the arms of our sovereign Father! We run to HIM with all that we have! Where do you turn when you are at the end of your bridge with no road in sight? You RUN to HIM! HE IS SOVEREIGN! RUN TO JESUS! Do you think for one second that God, the creator and father of the universe is not aware of your situation or circumstance? Do you think that He is in anyway shocked about what is happening? HE is LORD! In fact, that situation or circumstance was ordained by HIM! Trust me HE KNOWS! He knows exactly where you are!
But LORD I am AFRAID -- and the word says:
"Fear not, for I am with you;be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "
- Isaiah 41:10
But Lord I am all ALONE -- and the word says:
"It is the Lordwho goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
- Deuteronomy 31:8
But Lord I just want to HIDE -- and the word says:
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there, If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morningand dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,and your right hand shall hold me."
-- Psalm 139:7-10
But Lord I am CONFUSED -- and the word says:
"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. . . "
- I Corinthians 14:33
But Lord I am HURT -- and the word says:
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:28
But Lord I just DON'T UNDERSTAND --and the word says:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5-6
But Lord this is NOT MY PLAN -- and the word says:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."
- Isaiah 55:8
But Lord this is TOUGH -- and the word says:
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
-John 16:33
And there are many more! Many more promises and words from God is HIS book that tell us; that promise us to TRUST HIM! Is this easy? NOT AT ALL! Do I have this all figured out? NOPE! There are days that are easy but there are days that are very very hard! I KNOW one thing for sure, we have taken the step towards obedience and towards trusting HIM with all that we have and I will never forget the lessons HE is teaching us through this process. Not a day goes by that HE doesn't show us more of who HE is. And the days I don't want to move, the days it just seems that I can't bare it . . . those are the days I say, "Lord, I can't today! This is a day I need you to carry me!" And HE does! And HE will carry you!
You see, the LORD has a plan for our family! The LORD has a plan for YOU! A PERFECT PLAN! A perfect plan that HE has always known about! A plan that HE began working on even before the earth was created. Before YOU were created! Before WE were created! He knew that one day this would come upon us and He knew how the outcome was going to be! HE knows how the story ends because HE is the author. He knew that He had an amazing job and an amazing church waiting right there for us. Did we know this at the time? No, we honestly didn't! We had no idea . . . but I KNEW in my heart HE would never forsake us and that HE was not going to leave us! We clung to HIM and to HIS word! In that time in March when things looked so bad, when things were so confusing, when things appeared to be falling apart, God was right there working everything out for us. Moving us in the direction HE had for us! An amazing job opportunity for Chris to begin teaching was right there waiting for him. Had this situation happened just a few weeks after that second week in March the opportunity would have just slipped away! But God knew this was what HE had for him! And it was all in HIS perfect timing! It was kind of crazy how everything just feel into place. From the job opening, to the timing of the last class that he needed for his teaching license, and the list just goes on-and-on . . .! And the church! A church that has welcomed us with open arms and has allowed Chris to continue with playing music which he loves, that he was gifted by God for! To being able to serve the Lord along side other believers who strive for authenticity and a deeper walk with HIM! To the sweet ladies in my women's group where you try to avoid having to answer because you know you will cry. And when you look up they are crying with you! But sweet ladies who have come along side me and loved me and challenged me to walk deeper with HIM! Chris and I sat down just the other day to reflect on God's goodness. Oh, HE IS GOOD! His perfect plan for our lives and His provision for our lives! And we were in complete awe! I stand amazed by all HE has done and all HE will continue to do! And it just took one step . . . one very scary step towards obedience! What step do you need to take today towards obedience? What is GOD calling you to do today? Trust HIM my friend! TRUST HIM! HE will not let you go! Let HIM CARRY YOU!
OH LORD but what if I FAIL? Oh but my sister or brother in Christ . . .
with the LORD, you will never fail because HE will NEVER fail you!
"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -- ISAIAH 40:31
My phone rings often once, twice, sometimes three times a week of people who are beginning their adoption journey. I'm not sure why the Lord has continued to allow me the privilege of ministering to these families but Oh, I am so very thankful. Adoption is my passion and I love each and every family that God sends my way. I'm not sure if it's because I have been where they are or simply because it is a passion that God instilled in me early in my life. No one in my family has ever adopted before so I don't even know or understand where this desire for adoption comes from but I have to give full credit to the Lord. And I am thankful.
I have been reflecting this week on "the childless mothers" who are struggling with their own issues of adoption, infertility, and their longing desire to become a mother. I often reflect back on that particular own time in my life where I longed to have a child of my own. I even remember sitting in a service one Sunday near Christmas when the pastor was going over some Christmas ideas/traditions that you could begin with your family and I just remember sitting there crying because we didn't have any kids of our own. I know what it feels like to want something so bad but there is nothing humanly possible that you can do to make that dream come true. I remember when friends would become pregnant and be scared to share with me their joy of becoming a mother. I was honestly always so very happy for them but would honestly think to myself "why not me"? "Have I done something wrong"! Well, the answer to both of those was simply "NO"! God just had a different plan for my life. And one that was WAY better than the one I had set out before myself. God knew that in the late month of March in 2001 that a beautiful baby girl would be born to a birth mother who simply could not care for her. She loved her dearly and just wanted the best life for her daughter therefore choosing adoption. God would also know that I was the childless mother and she was the motherless child whose lives would intersect on that precious day providing both needs in both our lives. For her to have a mother and for me to have a child. I know I could never replace her birth mother and never have I tried. God is simply allowing me the privilege of raising her and for that I am so thankful!
So what about the "childless mothers" who still have not had their prayers answered? For them my heart aches and I too wonder for them. But I know our God is sovereign! I often think about the women who have influenced me in my own life who were not actually my birth mother. I think back to my Sunday school teacher, my school counselor, my cheerleading sponsor, my friend's mothers, my mother-in-law, my CBD leader, my youth pastor's wife, . . . the list would honestly go on and on and on! My mother played a HUGE role in my life guiding me and teaching me strength! To this day she would go out of her way to provide for anything I needed. These other women too played a huge role in my life in many different ways even though they were not my mother. I look at a dear friend of our family who attends my church and admire her from a distance not only for what she has meant to my family but what she means to so many women and ladies in our church. She too struggles with not being a mother in the sense of the world but she is far more of a mother than anyone else I know. She has a true desire for the word of God and a true desire that all women know about true salvation through conversion. To me, she is a mother. I look to her and see her "mothering" many many women and wonder where these women would be if she was not ministering to them. God brought her into their lives for a reason and through her obedience to her calling she is called Blessed. I look to her and know that she will receive the crown of motherhood when she is called to glory because she has loved many, ministered to many, and "mothered many". Even to me in ways she probably does not even know. Scripture is very clear, we are to minster to those behind us preparing the next generation. I think back to my list of those who "mothered" me and wonder where I would be without them. They taught me things, directed me, and encouraged me and for them I am so thankful! We are called to be there for those who need us. We are to be there for those who God brings into our life each and every day that we can minister to and love on. God has brought them into your life for a reason and I hope that we do not miss this amazing opportunity to "mother" them.
And I am speaking to myself. I have been convicted about doing my part to minister to those behind me. I have started praying that the Lord would purposely bring people into my life that need encouragement and need someone to minister to them. I have decided to be intentional in this mission. I will first start with my own daughter whom the Lord has blessed me with. I pray daily that I will be a witness to her, an example to her, and inspiration to her to be a "mother" to those who need her throughout her life! I pray that the Lord will continue to give me these opportunities each and every day. So are you willing? Are you willing to purposely seek those in your home, in your workplace, in your neighborhood, in your church? Those that need someone to "mother" them!
I leave you today with a quote out of one of my most favorite books. It's called You Are Captivating:Celebrating A Mother's Heart by Stasi Eldredge.
"All women are called to mother. And all women are called to give birth. Women give birth to all kinds of things: to books, to churches, or to ministries. To ideas, to creative expressions, to movements. We birth life in others by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically borne a child. The heart and life of a woman is much more vast than that. All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life. When we offer our tender and strong feminine hearts to the world and to those we love, we cannot help but mother them".
I pray daily for "the childless mother". I honestly do! I pray that the Lord would open their womb or open up an opportunity for adoption to expand their family. Chris and I have experienced both and neither one is more dear to us than the other. I remember holding my daughter for the first time and whispering a simple heart felt prayer: "Oh, dear Lord! Your ways are perfect. Thank you for not allowing me to get pregnant"! Because if so, I would have missed out on one of the greatest blessings of my life. I would have missed out on my daughter. I know that is so hard for many to understand but I knew the minute I held her that the Lord had a plan for both of our lives. He knew far better than I that our lives would intersect on that day!
THE LORD IS SOVEREIGN AND HIS WAYS ARE PERFECT!
Psalm 139
"For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, . . ." Psalm 90:4
So how many of you have ever waited for something in your life? Something to happen, an answer, a miracle, the cashier at your local supermarket (we all know about that). Waiting, waiting, waiting . . .! We all have! We have all wanted something in our life but have had to wait for God to fulfill that request or to answer that prayer. It is all part of daily living. It is very rare that we want something and we immediately have it at our finger tips. Many times we find ourselves waiting for that moment or that answer to come and we often get consumed "in the waiting"! I have often times found myself in this same situation where I have had to wait on God! So I've often wondered what do we do "in the meantime"? The time where we are waiting on God to answer that request. I remember while in high school I "couldn't wait" to graduate and start college. While in college I "couldn't wait" until I again graduated. When I got my first job I "couldn't wait" until I got married. When I got married I "couldn't wait" until we had children (that's a big one for me and my husband Chris)! Well, the list could just keep going and going and going and so could that list for many of you!
So my question for myself and for you today is "WHAT ARE WE DOING IN THE MEANTIME"!
I remember that day very well for me, probably could tell you what I was even wearing and what my hair looked like. I remember it vividly that I had gone to classes all day at Ole Miss and then attended aerobics with my room mate later that afternoon. I had a typical doctors appointment and knew she would tell me the same thing that she had been telling me for the past two years. "Well, Ms. Lauren things look great to me, see you next year". However, this year things had been a little different and I began to explain to her that some things were changing for me just a bit. She decided to take some blood and ran some tests. Honestly at this point I didn't think a thing about it. About a week later she said she wanted to see me in her office for the results. She shared with me on the phone that it was truly nothing but she just wanted to talk to me about some of my blood work. Again, she assured me it was not cancer or anything serious she just wanted to talk. So I went in the next week and sat down to talk with her. She explained that my blood work and an exam showed that I was developing many, many small sized cysts on my ovaries and that I tested for Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was not scared but then she explained to me that having children would probably be very difficult. No medication was required at this point and there were follow up visits but nothing serious so another year goes by. During my senior year in college I met "THE ONE"!! Our first date was the night that I graduated college and thus began a courtship that would end in an engagement within the next six months. Around October I knew that things were getting pretty serious so I knew that I had to tell him about my issues of children. God knew in my heart that I always wanted to have children. I explained to him that this would probably be an issue so I would understand if he didn't not want to continue in our relationship. I remember his words very clearly when he said, "you know, there is always adoption"! I knew he meant well but I truly wanted him to think about what this might mean for his life. I very quickly said to him that he may never be a daddy! He again said that God was much bigger than that. The next month he proposed and we were married the following March. My doctor encouraged us to begin trying to have a child due to my diagnosis. Month after month it was always still the same! NEGATIVE! For the first year I was not too worried about it but after 18 months I went again to my doctor and she said there was nothing more she could do for us and that we had to see a specialist. I remember her saying that to be truly diagnosed "infertile" you had to go for 18 months without getting pregnant. WAITING, WAITING, AND WAITING! I remember sitting in her clinic after many months of different kinds of medications and she again hands me a prescription and says, this is the only thing that I know will help you! I didn't even want to look at another prescription, I didn't want to take another medicine that made me sick or feel bad, and I didn't want answers; I just wanted to be pregnant. I held it all in until I got to the car and looked at the prescription saying that I wasn't even going to fill it! Why should I keep trying! I looked at the script and couldn't believe what I saw. It was three scriptures that she wanted to share with me that were promises from the Bible that says God is always with you, He will never forsake you, and that God knows the desires of your heart! Well, we made it to our first fertility visit within the next month and were going over all the paperwork and we were totally overwhelmed. I remember looking at Chris and simply telling him that I just couldn't do it. He agreed and that is when we entered into the world of adoption and that my friends is when the waiting began . . . . .!
I have often lived my life from one moment to the next, waiting on the next big thing to occur and I have realized one thing! I am missing out on the "mean time". This is not what God has intended for me or for us. So many times we get caught up in the "next big thing" or the next moment that we forget to live life in the now. We forget that God calls us to live for Him each and every day. I remember in college while working on my Social Work degree that I would say, I will start ministry when I graduate. I look back now and see all the many many opportunities that I missed while I was at Ole Miss. Many opportunities to spread God's word. I waited and I missed out!! How many of us are missing out on the things that God has put right in front of us right in this moment. Are we putting off what God has called us to do because we are not married, we have no children, we are still in school, or that God has not answered that request? I sure hope not! I hope that you are taking each and every opportunity that God gives you to be a light for Him and to minister to the ones who need HIM! God has you right where you are for a specific reason. And in this moment that is exactly where God wants you! Look around you and see what God is wanting you to do with your life "in the meantime . . ."
God does not want you to miss out on your life while you are waiting and often times when we look back; we have learned more from the waiting . . .!
2 Peter 3:8-9 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance".
Have you ever been in the position to have to make a choice? A choice that no matter what you choose it would have a direct effect on your on life as well as those around you? Our last year in the Johnson household has been about choice, change, obedience, doing what we know in our heart is right. Sometimes these choices were easy because we knew what God was calling us to do but what about those hard choices? The ones where there is not a direct clear answer. The ones when you have to completely turn over to God and let Him take control and let Him totally lead you in your decision. Sometimes I think that we get so comfortable in our daily lives that we forget what it means to fully trust in God. To completely let Go and GIVE it to God. Thankfully when we are followers of Christ He will NOT leave us in the state of complacency. He will not ever just leave you where you are. When you become comfortable or at the point that you "think" you can live life on your own He totally sweeps down and shakes things up JUST so you will remember that each and everyday we are called to trust Him. Not just in the big things, or the small things, BUT IN ALL THINGS!
As I sit here and write this blog (which is my very first attempt at blogging) my heart is still very very heavy concerning a "life" choice that I was forced to make. It's been a week now and my heart is beating so fast and my eyes are filling with tears because the choice I was forced to make last Monday is one that a wife and mother would never want to have to make. It was a total choice about the life of my husband, the life of my son, and my own life. I find this very difficult to even write about this very minute but I have to share what the Lord has taught me! It's not that I want to share this, I HAVE to share this! God will not let me let this go until I put it down! I'm hoping that I can get some relief from this nagging in my heart that many times in our lives we ignore the BIG RED FLAGS!
Have you ever held your family so close that you had them within arms length but no matter what you did you could not reach them or touch them? They were right beside you but no matter how much you fought, no matter how much you reached out you could not "save them"! Have you ever had to look at your husband then look at your son and decide who you would rescue? As I approached Chris on the ocean that day I was returning to the water because Hayden had left his boogie board on the beach and I wanted him to have it! As I approached Chris and Hayden in the water I knew in my heart and in my mind that something immediately was wrong. Terribly wrong. As soon as I got to them in the water that day I saw him push Meredith on her boogie board and I heard him tell her to ride the wave all the way to the beach. I then notice the sheer look of terror on his face and realize that Chris is completely submerged under water. I see the waves coming crashing up over his head and hear him sucking in water and hyperventilating. I see him holding Hayden high above his head and see that Hayden is trying to stand on his daddy's back gasping for breath but taking on water. In an instant I see Chris push Hayden towards me and hear him telling me to get to the shore. I will never forget the moment I look back at the shore and realize that we are being pushed farther and farther back into the ocean. I began to fight immediately to move closer to the shore but I'm getting nowhere. I see Chris fighting for his life and fighting the current but moving farther and farther back. I hear him begin to scream for help. I hear Hayden scream for his daddy, then hear him say in a whisper, "Lord please help us", then scream, "someone help us"! At this very moment I realize that we are fighting for our lives! I look back and Chris and as a trained lifeguard I see quickly that he is truly drowning. I reach for him but nothing!! I have Hayden! I can't save them both. I'm holding on the only thing that is keeping me afloat knowing that the water was way over my head and wave after wave is steadily crashing over our heads. Hayden and Chris are still sucking in the water but something told me just to keep swallowing the water. I look at Chris one last time as he motions for me to go. Get out! Get him to the shore! I freeze and try to decide in my mind how I can save both of them! There's no way! In that moment of desperation I give him the only thing that is helping me stay afloat. The boogie board. As Chris is steadily going under I knew he was going to drown. I send the boogie board to him and look back at him one last time! I must get moving. I try and try to swim but I'm caught in the current, I can't move, we are going no where and I can't breath, I can't see, I drop Hayden in the water and have to dig my way around to find him again and bring him to the surface. He is in full panic mode and tries to climb on my head. I grab him and have to tell him through tears that he can't take me under or we will both die. A crowd is forming on the beach and no matter how much we yell they can not help us, they can not get to us! I've totally lost Chris at this point and then again loose Hayden in the water. I think in my head we are not going to make it! This is it! My foot brushes against the sand at the bottom of the ocean and I'm able to push my way on top of the water but again, wave after wave is coming over my head. I find Hayden again and cling to him trying to keep us both on top of the water. I'm kicking and kicking and trying to explain to him that he has to swim parallel. I let go of him for a second telling him to literally swim for his life, kick as hard as you can, move those arms, move those arms, but quickly I see that he can't do it! I can't let him go! I'm physically exhausted. I can't move! Again, my foot hits the bottom and I begin to jump parallel to the beach with Hayden in my arms. I drop Hayden again but yell at him to jump up each time his foot his the sand! We are moving, we are moving, we are making progress. Thank God, I can see, I can breath, I'm not going to die out here! I'm not going to drown. Chris finds us in the water and takes Hayden to the shore. Chris will tell you that the only thing that saved him was the boogie board. I see that they are both safely to shore and see that Meredith is standing with a stranger who is taking care of her and I give up! I knew they were safe so I just quit fighting. At this point a complete stranger jumps in (despite the rip tide) and pulls me to shore! Chris is laying on the beach and Hayden is laid out right beside him. I've never seen someone breathing so hard but I was so thankful that they were both breathing! My body is so tired but I begin to cry immediately over the fear that had just over taken me! I have asked Chris a thousand times if this happened the way I think it did (those who know me well know I tend to overreact at times, LOL)! Chris has later admitted to me that he truly thought he was going to die in the water that day. I too thought we were truly going to die. There is no doubt that the Lord was with us that day watching over us, protecting us, "saving" us! There were a total of six other people who had to be pulled from the water that day in the same exact location due to rip tides. We were later told that over that weekend of bad weather over 22 people in all were pulled from the water and one did not survive. One did not survive.
As I have reflect on this event, the Lord has shown me that there are so many people, people that we know, people that we love; family, friends, loved-ones, who in their own lives are ignoring the RED FLAGS. The flags are there for a reason and ignoring them IS GOING to cost them their lives. How desperate are we to pray for them, show them Jesus, share our lives with them? Are we too busy? Do we have too much to do? Are we ignoring the RED FLAGS in our own lives? The ones that may not be too obvious? The ones that look like fun or seem to be OK but in the end will cost us our lives? I vividly remember being in the water at the moment that I thought we weren't going to make it, the moment that I thought I was going to die, I look at the shore and see kids playing, people laughing, people having a good time. The beach is fun, they were having a great time. You don't ever think that a day at the beach could end your life. Yes, you hear about drownings all the time but I'm one of those people that thinks, "that would never happen to me"! Well, a great day at the beach in the beautiful ocean almost cost my family their lives. We ignored the RED FLAG. We thought the flag did not apply to us. We were stronger than the flag. We can handle the flag. The spectators could not see that just a few feet away a family was being swept out into the ocean. We were struggling, we were fighting. They were oblivious that something terrible, horrific, even tragic was going on just a few feet away. How many people in our own lives are we ignoring? Standing by watching as they are being swept up into the "ocean of life, THE WORLD?" Are we on our knees praying for them, are we helping them in anyway or we just watching? ARE YOU A SPECTATOR? Watching as the "waves" of daily life are taking them under, crashing over their heads. Are you standing by them waving a RED FLAG?
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a MIGHTY ONE WHO WILL SAVE; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing". Zephaniah 3:17
